ANITA WALLER

Chapter 1

Monday 9 March 2015

Day One

 

‘Are the eggs done?’

Anna flinched as she heard the shout from upstairs, just as she flinched every morning at the sound of Ray’s voice. This particular morning hadn’t started too well; she’d knocked over her first cup of coffee and while she was cleaning that mishap she caught the edge of the sugar bowl, sending it shimmering spectacularly all over the floor. As far as wedding anniversaries went, this one was not proving brilliant.

Ray came downstairs as she confirmed his breakfast was indeed ready and they sat down to eat after he had made a scathing comment about the stickiness of the tiles; he had no idea of her earlier traumas and without saying a further word he handed her the cards they had received.

She developed instant post-natal depression. That was the only explanation for the frustration she felt when she opened the first envelope to see the card that shouted in big, silver letters: To Mum and Dad On Their Silver Wedding Anniversary. And it wasn’t really frustration, it was more frustrated amusement.

            Caroline had written in her distinctive curly handwriting, 35 years! Amazing! and Anna wondered yet again where her daughter’s head had been when she went to buy the card.   

            Anna passed it across to Ray. ‘Spot the non-deliberate mistake.’

He looked at the front of the card, opened it, and said, ‘She’s forgotten the kisses.’

            She upgraded the post-natal to manic and reached for another card. As she slit the envelope, she knew she didn’t really need to open it. It was from Ray; it would have roses on the front, and he would have written, All my love, Ray xxx.

            She was wrong. It said ‘Happy birthday, darling. All my love, Ray xxx.’ Caroline had got all her genes from her father.

            She passed Ray his card from her and watched as he opened it, read it without any of the words registering, and laid it by his plate.

            ‘Very nice, Anna, very nice.’

            The final card on the table was from their eldest, Mark. It had been written by his wife and it was really quite normal. With much love to you both, from Mark, Jenny, Adam and Grace.         

There was no card from Tim, their second son and twin brother of Mark. Just for a second sadness touched her but she soon shook it off – this was Tim, after all. She had learned to accept Tim would always be one of life’s mysteries and she loved him unconditionally no matter what he did. The lack of a card didn’t mean he didn’t care, it just meant he hadn’t considered it important.           

            Anna gathered up the cards, moved into the lounge, and stood them on the sill of the bay window. The bright, early morning April sunshine bounced off the silver lettering on Caroline’s card, and she smiled before stroking it.

            Their daughter had been born late in their lives, and they had always jokingly referred to her as their little afterthought. The truth was she saved Anna’s sanity. Mark and Tim were fifteen years older than Caro, and when Anna had realised she was pregnant, she was actually on the verge of leaving an abusive marriage.

            The pregnancy had temporarily stopped the beatings, but it also stopped all exit plans. The cards standing on the window sill now seemed to mock that decision. She hadn’t loved Ray for years.

            ‘Bye, Anna!’

            There was movement in the hall as he paused at the mirror to run a comb through his short, grey hair, then the front door slammed as he left for work. Bye, Anna.

            The tears that filled her eyes took her completely by surprise, and she swept the cards off the sill, watching as they slid down the wall. Anger was building in her, and she forced herself to calm down by picking up the cards and replacing them. She was not normally an angry person, and the uncharacteristic action scared her a little.

            A cup of tea didn’t help – and why should it? She didn’t really like the taste. It’s just the thing to do, isn’t it? Have a cup of tea, and you’ll feel better. She put their few breakfast dishes into the bowl and stood for a while, letting the warmth of the water soak into her hands as she stared out of the kitchen window. Her head dropped, and her shoulder length, blonde hair fell forward on to her face; she allowed it to remain like that, shielding the tears that were changing her blue eyes to grey. Anna felt strangely at odds with herself, and the rest of the world on this early spring morning, and didn’t really know what to do about it.

            It was while she was washing Ray’s mug – the one proclaiming him to be a Sheffield Wednesday supporter– that she had her Damascus moment.

            Anna wanted to be alone. She wanted to make her own decisions, pay her own bills, and vacuum her own carpet. And wash her own dishes.

            Her first tiny act of rebellion was to leave the dishes to drain. Ray always insisted they be dried immediately, or the dishwasher be emptied before going to bed.

Her second act was to go into the office and switch on the computer. This in itself wasn’t an act of rebellion as she used it every day to manage the business – but she had never used it to look for her own accommodation before. There were many estate agents in the Lincoln area, and she automatically entered ”Lincoln Estate Agents” into the search engine, waiting patiently to see what it threw up.

            She shook her head, going back to the beginning and entering “South Yorkshire Estate Agents.” If she was to escape this existence, then her new existence had to be of her own making.

            Many times in their married life they had ventured into God’s own county, and it had captivated her. Maybe it was the flatness of the Lincolnshire countryside that had led her to appreciate the spectacular beauty of the rolling hills around Sheffield and the cragginess and bleakness of the Peak District on its doorstep. She knew her path lay in that direction.

            Anna was quite stunned by the price of the accommodation on offer – so much cheaper than Lincolnshire, so much more property for the amount of money she had. It soon became clear she would be able to afford a three-bedroom house in Sheffield but only a tent in the Peak District.

            She had a significant amount of money from the sale of her childhood home following her parents’ deaths, and Ray had decided they should save it for buying a gîte in France for their retirement. Well, she was retiring right now from this marriage; decision made.     

            Her face, attractive even at this pre-make up hour of the morning, became animated as she rang a few of the estate agents. She made appointments covering the next couple of days before ringing Charlie, her long-time friend. Charlie lived in Doncaster, with her huge bear of a husband, his two children from an earlier marriage, and three dogs. Anna guessed Charlie would be shocked when she learned of her plans, but shocked or not, she suspected she would stand by her and totally support her.

            ‘Hey you! Couldn’t you sleep?’ Charlie’s voice lifted her spirits.

            ‘Hey you. It’s not that early is it?’ Anna glanced at the clock. ‘Oh my God, Charlie. It’s only half past eight! Have I woken you?’

Charlie laughed. ‘No, you haven’t. I just don’t normally get telephone calls at this time in a morning.’

‘Well, I needed to talk. So sorry, but I’m not really. Have you got a spare bedroom for a night?’

‘Always. When do you want it?’

‘Tonight. Don’t worry if you can’t. I realise it’s short notice.’

‘Anna, I can always put you in the shed if we haven’t got a room.’

They both laughed. Dan’s shed was glorious but far from hotel accommodation.

‘Thank you. It’s just me.’

‘Good.’

‘Good?’

There was a brief pause. ‘I meant it would be lovely to see you on your own. We can have a good catch up.’

‘Charlie…’ Anna counted to three and chickened out of saying anything further about her decision. ‘I’ll be there around midday. That OK?’          

‘Looking forward to it. See you later.’

It was while Anna was sitting on the settee in her oh so perfect lounge – a side effect of owning a building company – that it dawned on her what issues were already starting to accumulate. She picked up her small mirror and smoothed the moisturiser on to her skin. The action was automatic, something she did every day. Ray expected it of her. She put the rest of her make-up back in the zipped purse and thought, Sod it.

The first of the issues was the children would not be best pleased. Mark, living some distance away in Leicester, now seemed to be quite removed, not just in miles. Jenny, his wife, had cooled her relationship with them, and they saw very little of Adam and Grace. She didn’t think for one minute Jenny would be bothered about a Ray/Anna parting of the ways; her frostiness since she had married Mark had always disturbed Anna, but Ray had shrugged it off saying it was just her imagination. However, Jenny had been almost as much a daughter as Caroline, prior to the wedding day, and at times it really concerned her that they rarely spoke. Mark, however, her first born twin, would probably arrive within a few hours to tell her how stupid she was being.

She was not stupid.

Tim, currently sharing his life with Steve in Florida, would be far more laid back about it. He, too, was a long way removed from them, yet her heart ached for him at odd moments, and she knew if he actually turned against her, she would be devastated.

And then there was Caroline, her beautiful, scatter-brained, sensitive, loving daughter, who totally belonged to Ray. From the second she was born, he enfolded her into his soul, and she had willingly followed.

Anna had to send them letters. She would post them as soon as she had settled herself somewhere to counteract any possible manipulations by anyone, and then sit back and wait for the fall out that would have to come eventually. Telephone calls wouldn’t do it; they would be too difficult.

If briefly occurred to Anna she was being cowardly, but so what? Suddenly, she realised just how much this new freedom could mean to her.

She could be a coward, she could be brave, or she could completely ignore all feelings.

But, she wasn’t free to ignore these feelings yet. She had to plan.

Ray had a temper that frequently surfaced, and when it did, it was scary. Anna had never known him be abusive towards the children, partly because he worked long hours, and so didn’t see too much of them in their younger years; yet, a number of episodes had occurred when she had seen, and felt, that anger.

Anna had always explained the bruises away by saying all the usual things – walking into a door, falling down stairs–classic phrases that anyone normal would have seen straight through.

She had stayed for the sake of the children, particularly Caroline. She had intended to leave Ray when the boys reached eighteen, but by that time, she had had their three-year-old daughter.

Having Caroline softened Ray, and he seemed to get the temper under control, but Anna had spent all their married life walking on eggshells. There was no doubt in her mind if she said she was leaving, he would lash out at the nearest thing - her.

So the sensible thing to do was to leave him a note, write to the kids, and eventually speak with Mark, Tim, and Caroline. She needed to disappear for a few weeks. She hoped Ray would get over his initial anger by then, and she could safely contact the children.

Except, they weren’t children, were they? Caroline was now nineteen, and the twins were thirty-four years old. Not children; adults with homes and families of their own.

The cards on the window sill seemed to mock her thoughts. Anna glared at them, knowing she was being childish, and went upstairs to pack for the trip to Charlie’s.

She left a note on the table for Ray. Gone away for a couple of days, will contact soon. She climbed into her Audi and left; Anna couldn’t resist one final glance back at the house in her rear view mirror. The exultation hit her as she got on the A1, and she laughed aloud. She turned up the radio, listening as some woman from Birmingham tried to answer more Popmaster questions than another woman from Grimsby. Anna scored six on the first set of questions and nine on the second set, and felt in awe of Sarah from Grimsby with her score of twenty-four.

The packing of a bag had turned into packing three large suitcases. Anna knew with certainty she would never be returning. The original thought in her mind had been to spend a couple of days organising some sort of accommodation then returning home to finalise her plans, but she realised pretty quickly once she had left, nothing would bring her back. It wouldn’t be safe to return.

Charlie’s smile was wide as she opened the door and her arms. Her brown, curly hair was still wet from a recent shower, and her grey eyes creased at the corner as she smiled to welcome Anna. Anna hugged her and said, ‘Hey, I scored nine on pop master.’

She laughed. ‘Were the questions all on Rod Stewart hits?’

Anna gave her a small punch on the arm. ‘Cheeky.’

Dan walked down the hall towards her. ‘Yeah, if it isn’t my favourite Lincolnshire yellow belly.’ He was a huge man, warm and welcoming, and he held open his arms. His dark brown hair was tied back into a ponytail, so she guessed he had been working in his shed prior to her arrival. The brown eyes scrutinised her face closely; she wondered if he saw the tiredness behind her eyes.

She reached up to kiss him, and his hug enveloped her.

‘Come in, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘We can’t stand on the doorstep all day. The neighbours will start talking.’

He picked up the small overnight bag. Upon entering, Anna was engulfed by the love and warmth emanating from their home. A beautiful quilt hung on the wall in the hall, and Anna couldn’t resist touching it. The pattern was a wonderful melding of reds, creams, and greens, and toned effortlessly with the rich cream of the carpet.

Charlie was a textile artist, and their home reflected her love of fabric. She worked out of a studio at the end of the garden, and Anna envied her. Her own house was pristine. And boring. Charlie and Dan’s detached property was a riot of colour and sensory feelings that she had never known. She would from now on – she had always been denied the opportunity to stamp her own ideas on their home. That would change.

The evening passed in such a carefree way, and she felt so relaxed – up to the point when her phone trilled out Maggie May. She cancelled the call and returned it to her bag without commenting on the caller; Ray.   

Charlie raised her eyebrows and looked at her but said nothing. Anna casually lowered her hand into her bag and switched the phone to silent mode. She took the proffered mug of cocoa from Charlie’s outstretched hand and cradled it.

Then, Charlie’s landline rang.

Anna looked at her friend and gave a small shake of the head. Charlie nodded and pressed the answering button. There was a small pause as she listened to the caller, and she said, ‘Ray! Lovely to hear from you.’

There was another moment of silence. ‘Sorry, she’s not here. If she turns up, I’ll get her to ring you, but she normally rings before dropping in on us.’

There was a further hiatus. ‘Bye Ray, if she contacts me, I’ll let her know you were trying to find her.’

She disconnected the call, and, to her credit, asked no questions. Anna couldn’t expect to get away with that for long.

Anna finished her cocoa, and stood. ‘It’s been a long day – I’ll head off to bed now, I think.’

‘Okay.’ Charlie turned towards her. Her round face was made even rounder by the smile she directed at Anna. ‘Oh, by the way, happy anniversary.’

She recognised this as Charlie speak for, ‘We’ll talk tomorrow,’ and she simply nodded her head.

The bedroom was particularly cosy, decorated in greys of varying hues, with mint green accessories. The quilt was grey satin, with touches of white, and again Anna couldn’t help but stroke it. Anna logged the colour combination into her brain; this would be the colour scheme for one of her bedrooms when she had a house.

She expected to lie awake into the early hours, but she read a couple of pages, switched off the bedside lamp, and drifted off to sleep.